i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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