I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
