oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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