Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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