went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
