When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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