The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
