I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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