You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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