I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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