If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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