saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
