Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
