Umm I'm too high to move.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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