the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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