I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
