i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
