He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
