we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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