So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
