somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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