Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
pop tarts are not kleenex
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
