I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
