gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
