I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
