So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
