wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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