obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
As shirtless as possible
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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