i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
