I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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