my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
