oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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