i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i think i just lost a toe
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
