The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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