I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
