Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
