Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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