after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
