my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
