i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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