i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
