don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
