Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
