My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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