the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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