did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
