Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
