her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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