I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
