dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
