i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Someone signed my nipple.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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